How to Be an Involved Dad
Photo by Kelly Sikkema
For decades, fatherhood in North America had a rigid, simplistic and prescriptive model for the role a father could play in his family:
You’re a provider who puts a roof over your family’s head, food on the table and better life opportunities even when it means some self-sacrifices.
Or you’re the disciplinarian who brings order to the family by doling out punishments for misbehaviours, protects their daughters and turns boys into proper men by being tough on them.
Maybe you’re even the family rock who is unflappable as he is emotionally stoic—always the calm, collected, and emotionally distant figurehead.
Admittedly, this view of traditional fatherhood is limited and simplified, and yet it hits on the key aspects of what it meant to be a ‘father’ for a long time.
If you’re of a certain age, you might have watched That ‘70s Show and seen the character of Red Forman as a funny avatar for your own dad and grandad. Red really was representative of generations of 20th-century fathers. However, times have changed and so have the parameters for what it means to be a father.
We all benefit from involved fathers.
You don’t have to be Red Forman and you (probably) don’t want to be either. People can be fathers in many different ways and some researchers have noted:
“Today’s father is no longer always the traditional married breadwinner and disciplinarian in the family. He can be single or married; externally employed or stay-at home; gay or straight; an adoptive or step-parent; and a more than capable caregiver to children facing physical or psychological challenges.”
The American Psychological Association also says that children benefit from affectionate and involved dads.
When it comes to school performance, behaviour, and social skills, children with involved dads perform better than those without. In many ways, by being affectionate, open, caring, nurturing and present, you are giving your children a head start to have healthy minds, hearts, and relationships.
As a father who is—or is looking to become—more involved with your child(ren), it’s important to think about how you can benefit as well.
Turns out that involved dads receive benefits too.
“Men who were judged as having warm, nurturant relationships with their children were shown to be healthier, less depressed, and, surprisingly, more successful in their careers.”
Having strong relationships with your kids and others in the family sets a tone: you receive caring and support in return. Involved and affectionate dads are better able to cope with stress, more comfortable to trust others for help, feel more competent at work, and feel more competent and more effective as dads.
It’s a positive circle that benefits everyone.
Being an involved father is simpler than you think
What does being an involved father actually look like? When we looked at the research, there is agreement that the following qualities most frequently came up:
Sensitive
Warm
Close
Friendly
Supportive
Affectionate
Nurturing
Encouraging
Comforting
Accepting
There’s even a model of involved fatherhood, comprised of three pillars, that is another helpful guide:
Positive engagement: Involved fathers directly interact with their children in positive ways, including caregiving (such as changing diapers) and shared activities that involve play.
Accessibility: Involved fathers are available to their children even when not directly interacting, such as cooking while the child plays nearby.
Responsibility: Involved fathers take ultimate responsibility for their child’s welfare and care, including participating in decision-making regarding child-rearing and ensuring that children’s needs are met.
While the qualities of involvement seem like a lot, remember that you can be all of these things—maybe even at the same time—but not all of the time, and that’s okay. To make things seem less daunting, go back to your individual building blocks.
What it comes down to is finding your ‘in’, or your ‘thing’, and then building off of that.
For example, if you can comfortably see yourself setting aside a couple of 30 minute blocks of time each day to play with your child(ren), you’re already well on your way to expressing your warmth, closeness, supportiveness and encouragement. Who doesn’t like to break out the Lego or fill up a tub and drop in some foam letters and numbers? Easy peasy, you’ve got this!
Read more: Jermal’s article from Next Gen Men’s Future of Masculinity zine, Finding My Way To Fatherhood.
What if you’re not yet a dad? Maybe you and your partner are considering whether or not you want to parent? Well, if you’ve read this far, you have an idea of what’s involved in being involved, and it’s okay to have your reservations.
Being involved involves tradeoffs.
There are significant tradeoffs to involved fatherhood. Depending on the life you wish to lead, some of the sacrifices might be too much for you.
Knowing that to be an involved father means a tremendous commitment of time, money and and emotional energy - and it will have an impact on social relationships outside of the family—can help you assess where you are in your life, what you do and don’t want and decide whether or not to take on the responsibility of fatherhood.
It is a responsibility. The gift of fatherhood is an opportunity to help little humans learn how to live well, be kind and thoughtful, dream and expand their imaginations, interact well with others and how to weather life’s complications and hardships.
If you’re not yet in the situation where you are or will become a father, this is a good time to think about what you want to do with this part of your life.
A choice that has tremendous rewards.
When you know that you want to be involved or even more involved in the lives of your child(ren)—and despite the commitment required - this can be a tremendous aspect of your life, your identity, and one of your greatest achievements.
Read more: Our lovingly compiled Father's Day Gift Guide.
Some dads can easily think about any night of the week and picture the long and potentially frustrating day with work, perhaps some challenges with the kids, followed by a super messy suppertime, and then you transition to bath time, stories and goodnight kisses. Exhale. You notice the silence of little heads fast asleep and you cannot help thinking about how much you love those little people and how rewarding it is to get to be their dad.
This is just a snapshot. Imagine seeing them finally start to ‘get’ their math problems, science fairs, recitals, school plays, sports matches, and the steady stream of artwork gracing your fridge and office.
Their success is your success.
You helped do that, dad, and it’s because you made a conscious choice to be involved in their lives.
Lee is Next Gen Men’s Community Outreach Liaison, consummate ‘jack-of-all-trades’ and enjoys nothing more than picking up new skills every chance he gets. He has an Honours degree in Philosophy with a concentration in Ethics and has undertaken graduate studies in Public Policy and Administration. Over the past 16 years, Lee worked at the federal, provincial and municipal levels of government, then took a hard ‘left’ and became a human-centred and systemic design consultant and founded a company with his partner called Raising Giants.