Five Ways Men Benefit From Emotional Literacy
© Next Gen Men 2018 (Photo taken by our friend Mike Cameron)
By Veronika Ilich
Emotional literacy is something we’ve been learning a lot more about over the past few months here at Next Gen Men.
So what is emotional literacy, and how might it benefit men? Additionally, how might men help others by levelling up their emotional literacy skills? Let’s get into it!
Emotional literacy has been defined in a few different ways. For us, we think of it as the ability to identify, understand, communicate, and regulate one’s own emotions. It’s also the ability to identify, understand, and communicate about the emotions of others, as well as co-regulate with others!
In our workshops with Emma (our therapist friend and collaborator), we’ve learned that emotional literacy is a set of skills that can be modelled, taught, and practiced.
Emma also introduced us to the idea of emotional literacy as a set of five steps:
The first step is identifying and naming the emotion
Second, getting curious about the emotion
Third, identifying the need the emotion is signalling
Fourth, expressing the emotion (and need) in ways that align with one’s boundaries and values
Fifth, asking for support
Why are these skills important for men and those who interact with them?
Five Ways Emotional Literacy Benefits Men
1.Finding Peace: Increased Mental Wellness & Resilience
The more we practice identifying, naming, and communicating our needs and emotions, the easier it gets to regulate and relate.
We can better cope and become more resilient in the face of challenges (Carter, 2007). We feel more at peace and less easily triggered.
Of course, this is super beneficial to our relationships, but it’s also beneficial to our mental wellness. Research indicates that higher emotional literacy in children and teens is correlated with a decreased likelihood of experiencing mental health issues (and better coping skills if/when they do!) (Bezzina & Camilleri, 2020).
It’s normal to be afraid of things we don’t understand. So if emotions — in particular, heavy emotions like grief, or the more volatile, ones like anger — seem unknown, then we might find them confusing, distressing, or threatening. If this is the case, we might often feel overwhelmed or out of control, because we don’t have the tools to deal with it.
Yet, the more we learn to name and explain our emotions, the less unknown (and therefore confusing, distressing, or threatening) they become.
When it comes to regulating our emotions, the more we can make links between our feelings and behaviours, the better we can understand why we might be acting a certain way. With an increased understanding of our needs, we can make different choices about how we want to express an emotion or meet a need.
For instance, if I am acting passive-aggressively by making snide comments, I might actually be feeling irritated. If I can identify that feeling, and explain it, rather than lashing out in passive-aggressive ways, I will feel so much better about my behaviour.
As far as we can tell, there aren’t any mental health downsides when it comes to increasing emotional literacy, only benefits!
2. Stronger Hearts: Being Physically Healthier & Living Longer
Interestingly enough, the more we build our emotional literacy skills, the longer we might live to use them.
Researchers from the Harvard School of Public Health found that suppressing our emotions is correlated with death from cancer (Chapman et al., 2013). It stands to reason that improving our emotional literacy could have health benefits.
So far, we don’t know enough about the connection between emotional literacy and physical health, but what we do know is that research thus far has continued to point to a positive correlation — meaning that folks with higher levels of emotional literacy often have better long-term health outcomes, including living longer lives (Zysberg, 2018).
Why might this connection between emotional literacy and physical health exist?
Some researchers speculate that people with more emotional literacy tools may be limiting the physiological damage that stress takes on the body because they can better regulate their stress (Chapman et al., 2013).
They might also have healthier coping mechanisms than others (e.g. less likely to cope using drugs or alcohol) (Chapman et al., 2013), and may be better able to plan for the future (e.g. stick to treatment plans, and/or engage in other health-enhancing behaviour) (Zysberg, 2018).
I’d think that it’s also related to the quality of our relationships. The more emotionally literate we are, the stronger our bonds are with family and friends (i.e. possible caregivers when we become ill or injured).
Further research is needed to explore these links!
3. Secure Ties: Having Healthier, Deeper, and More Meaningful Relationships with Others
This is perhaps the least surprising of the benefits of emotional literacy for men: better relationships with others.
Being able to name, understand, and process our emotions and the emotions of others are critical skills for relationship-building. Men who actively work on their emotional literacy skills get into fewer arguments and have an easier time making and retaining friends.
Some of the skills connected to emotional literacy, like empathy skills (e.g. active listening, paraphrasing & confirming, withholding judgment, and asking about feelings and needs), are skills that men are not always encouraged to develop, which can really limit or harm their relationships with their partners, children, friends, and colleagues.
For instance, if you struggle to show up for your partner when they’re going through a hard time, and simply avoid bringing up their tough emotions because you’re unsure what to say, your partner might feel abandoned. Gaining the confidence to have difficult conversations starts with emotional literacy.
Learning emotional literacy skills can have profound positive impacts on the quality and depth of our relationships — for some, it has literally saved their marriages (NBC). When we can communicate our emotions and needs to others, not only do we increase the chance that others can now help us meet those needs, but this also builds trust.
Sometimes, men worry they may be burdening their partner if they share their emotions and needs when in reality, most partners just want to feel included and trusted. They don’t want to be kept in the dark.
As we learn more emotional literacy skills, we also get better at holding two truths at once.
For example, you can both love and resent your parents: both things can be true simultaneously.
Likewise, you can understand how your partner could be proud of you for how well you handled a situation with your kids, and at the same time, feel frustrated with you for not pitching in with chores that weekend — it doesn’t have to be one or the other, both can be true.
When we can understand that multiple emotions and needs can be at play at any given time, we might be less fixated on one aspect of our relationship, rather, we can maintain a bigger picture view.
Similarly, the ability to hold multiple things as true might mean we can better respect and appreciate that all the people in our lives are also complex, and see that we may need to work together and think creatively to address multiple emotions and needs. This can help us balance the feelings and needs of both ourselves and others.
4. Reaching for the Stars: Achieving More Success in Employment and Academics
As it turns out, there’s quite a bit of research that suggests a link between emotional literacy and success at work and school.
As early as the 1990s, researchers have been studying this link, and some suggested that emotional intelligence was more important than overall intelligence in predicting professional success (Goleman, 1999; Bradberry, 2014).
Interestingly enough, it’s also been noted that emotional intelligence and general intelligence overlap significantly — involving many of the same areas of the brain (Yates, 2013).
Children with more emotional literacy skills perform better academically (APA, 2019; Whyte, n.d.). This may be related to them having better relationships with their teachers and peers and being better able to regulate their emotions within the classroom setting.
It makes sense that if a child is having difficulty regulating their emotions, their concentration may suffer. Likewise, if they’re in constant conflict with their peers, learning becomes secondary to managing the impacts of that conflict.
When it comes to work, higher levels of emotional literacy also serve men well. For example, the ability to “read a room” is really about discerning the emotions of others. Do they seem off-put, skeptical, or excited by the idea you’re pitching? Based on your assessment of how they’re feeling, do you need a new approach?
Leaders who excel at emotional literacy also help build trust in their teams and help their colleagues feel valued.
They can spot when someone is having a hard time and offer support. They can address tough team dynamics, rather than sweeping problems under the rug. They can resolve conflict, recognize and address stressors, and communicate with both clarity and kindness.
This is great for job satisfaction, productivity, and retention: people often want to give more to a project or company when they feel seen and valued.
5. Dismantling Patriarchy: Unlearning Harmful Messages About What It Means To “Be A Man”
Within patriarchal & capitalist societies, we raise boys to prioritize independence over interdependence, “logic” over emotions, and wealth or status over relationships.
We live in a culture that disconnects boys from themselves and others, often through shame. Niobe Way documents this heartbreaking trend in her research, where she finds that before the age of 14/15, boys speak about their friends in incredibly loving terms and describe their trusting bonds. Yet, after 14/15, boys begin to shrug and say, “I don’t know” when asked to talk about their friends, and instead describe the isolation and loneliness that they feel.
When boys are shamed into putting on these “masks of masculinity”, to hide their authentic selves, suppress their emotions, disconnect from others, and – importantly – enforce the same behaviours in other boys, they cut off the emotional parts of themselves, and we all suffer for it.
When men do the work of unlearning those patriarchal messages, by reconnecting with their emotions and needs (as well as the emotions and needs of others), they become living examples to other men and boys of how men can be connected to their emotions, show empathy, and have healthy relationships.
In doing so, they do not cease to be men, they become more integrated, more whole.
Similarly, when men can start tough conversations, offer emotional support to others, and emotionally regulate/co-regulate, then they are sharing in emotional labour that is so often left to women.
This is a direct affront to patriarchy, and a huge win for men, women, and, frankly, everyone.
It’s a win for men because they’re learning important skills that connect them to their full humanity and to others. It’s a win for women because they do not need to take on the task of emotional labour for male partners, friends, family members, and colleagues anymore, and everyone — regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation — benefits from a world in which men are increasingly emotionally aware, regulated, and available.
One last thing: learning & practicing more emotional literacy skills really helps men unpack some of the ways in which patriarchy has harmed them. Awareness is often the first step in changing something, so by having the tools to break the silence, men will be better able to fight against patriarchy.
As an example, the 2017 Man Box study showed that the majority of men (70%) DO NOT personally endorse most “masculine expectations” (i.e. that they MUST be strong, independent, invulnerable, hypersexual, violent, athletic, heterosexual, etc.) BUT the majority of men (70%, again) believed that OTHER MEN bought into these expectations.
This mistaken belief has led so many men to remain silent in the face of sexism or homophobia when they could have spoken up. They thought they were the uncomfortable minority, and that others endorsed what was happening, when in reality, most men in the room didn’t endorse what was happening either. Silence in the face of harm allows harm to continue.
Having the skills to identify that others might feel uncomfortable in a situation, and the skills to start a tough conversation, are critical to challenging harmful beliefs and behaviours.
To recap, by being more emotionally literate, men can:
Increase their mental wellness & resilience
Be physically healthier & live longer
Have healthier, deeper, and more meaningful relationships
Achieve more success in employment and academia
Unlearn harmful messages about what it means to “be a man” & be positive role models for the next generation
Learn to skillfully connect: Register for our upcoming Emotional Literacy Workshop to get curious about emotions! Healthy relationships begin with communication.
Join us on Saturday, April 22nd, at 10 am MT for the next workshop in our Emotional Literacy series, led by therapist Emma Ocean.
Need access to free mental health support? Check out MEN& to access free counseling if you’re a man in Alberta.
Further reading:
Veronika Ilich is the Community Manager for Next Gen Men. Find her at NGM events, on the Modern Manhood Podcast, or on our online Inner Circle forum! She is passionate about social justice, and in particular, gender-based violence prevention and eliminating poverty.