What Should Parents of Boys Know About Porn?
Photo by James Shakespeare
By Jonathon Reed
A 12-year-old I know just got grounded.
From the severity of his mom’s response, I figured he must have gotten into serious trouble at school, really failed at something or hurt someone else.
It turned out she found porn on his laptop.
This is a question that’s come up regularly in my work with parents over the years: How do I talk to my son about pornography? There is no easy answer, but here are some pieces of information to help you better respond to your son.
Boys do watch porn.
Pornography is easier to find than ever. Studies show that most young people are exposed to porn by age 13. Boys are more likely than girls to seek out porn, and teenage boys are among its biggest consumers.
Three quarters of parents surveyed by the British Board of Film Classification in 2019 believed their child had never encountered porn. More than than half of their kids said they had.
So it’s not a question of whether or not your son has seen porn, it’s a question of when.
Boys believe porn is real.
Researchers are still exploring the potential consequences of porn and how it can affect mental health, intimate relationships and sexuality. We do know, however, that young people can interpret it literally. This matters.
Take the fact that 97% of the targets of violence and aggression in online porn are women. Now consider that more than half of boys believe that porn presents a realistic depiction of sex. Boys in particular use porn as a benchmark for sexual behaviour.
Porn fuels objectification and exploitation. It normalizes the centrality and violence of the male gaze, and it has enduring consequences for young men and for our society as a whole.
Porn is a lightning rod.
But porn is not as simple as all that. As Peggy Orenstein writes in Boys & Sex, it is more of a symptom than the disease itself.
“It’s the persistent depiction of women as things, and in degrading and compliant roles, that is the problem—less the sex than the sexism. And that is abundantly on display in the mainstream media boys consume throughout their lives.”
Issues like sexualization, objectification and non-consensual behaviour are pervasive in movies, TV shows, ads, video games, on magazine covers, YouTube, TikTok and everywhere else young people consume media.
So we’re not going to fortify boys’ wellbeing and healthy relationships, or prevent violence against women and girls by wringing our hands about pornography.
You need to have regular conversations with your son about his relationships, his sexuality, his experiences and beliefs.
You’ve got to talk with your boys about pornography.
If young people don’t have access to nuanced, meaningful conversations about relationships and sex, they can and do turn to porn as a form of sex education.
That’s your job.
Listen: Modern Manhood’s recent podcast episode, Failing at Sex Ed.
If your preteen son stayed up late watching The Fast and the Furious, he could feel pretty comfortable coming downstairs in the morning and saying, “Hey, I watched a really intense car chase last night…that’s not how you actually drive a car, is it?”
He probably couldn’t do the same to unpack the differences between pornography and loving, intimate relationships.
Why not?
Read more: Past Learnings & Unlearnings blog post, Engaging With Boys About Relationships and Sex.
I got that analogy from Paul Malan’s article The Naked People In Your iPod, in which he makes an important distinction between guilt and shame: “Guilt is healthy—it says ‘Something I did is not ok.’ Shame is destructive—it says ‘I am not ok.’” He encourages parents to help boys understand their relationship with porn, rather than condemning it altogether.
You’re not going to stop your son from being exposed to, or enjoying, pornography. I’m sorry, but you’re not.
You can, however, be there as a source of support for him as he explores his feelings, his body, and the different choices he can make to positively impact his relationships and the world around him.
If there’s one thing you should know as a parent or guardian, it’s that your role in these conversations matter. Don’t shut them down.
Let’s get started.
Read more: Check out Teen Health Source’s guide to porn literacy. It’s a health resource developed by Planned Parenthood Toronto that provides a blueprint for helping young people understand their relationship with porn.
ICMYI This Week
How do we talk to teens about sex in a world of porn? (The Guardian)
If You Ignore Porn, You Aren’t Teaching Sex Ed (The New York Times)
How to Talk to Boys About Porn, Consent and Sex, According to Boys & Sex Author (Men’s Health)
Written by Next Gen Men Program Manager Jonathon Reed as part of Learnings & Unlearnings, a bi-weekly blog reflecting on our experiences working with boys and young men. Subscribe to Future of Masculinity to get Learnings & Unlearnings delivered to your email inbox.